What do a bear and a bible have to do with healing from clergy abuse of children? For me, everything! If you have been a victim of sexual abuse by a member of the clergy, trust is more than just an issue. It is THE issue. Trust in God, trust in other people and even trust in yourself are virtually non-existent yet absolutely critical to healing.
Reaching out for help is so difficult. The very people you should have been able to rely on to help you as a child were the ones who destroyed your ability to trust. When I had reached a point in my life where it was get help or give up, I was lucky. I reached out to a friend who put me in touch with a therapist who has saved my life.
I can not stress enough how important it is to find the right counselor or therapist for you. You need to find someone you would trust with your life because that is exactly what you will be doing as you work toward healing. I was very lucky. I was referred to a therapist who is not only professionally competent but also personally ethical, caring and incredibly compassionate. God sent the right person into my life to guide me on this healing journey. My therapist has never waivered in his support of me and… he gave me the bear!
Flashbacks are a constant presence in my life. I never know when one will be triggered. One day while at my therapist’s office, I experienced an intense flashback and ended up withdrawing (dissociating) to a safe place in my mind. To anyone else, I may appear to be resting or sleeping but my therapist recognized what was going on and waited patiently for me to come out of the dissociative state. Once I was present again, he asked me questions about how I leave the dissociative state. I told him that, at first, I become aware of my breathing and, if it is slow and calm, I know I am in a safe place. Then I anchor myself with something that I know only exists in one of my safe places. He asked me what in his office was my anchor and I pointed to a small white stuffed bear sitting on the window ledge. I told him that the bear reminded me of him and his office and I knew I was safe. He walked over, picked up the bear and told me to take it home with me. I walked out to my car that day clutching a stuffed animal, thinking that I wasn’t sure this was progress but it definitely felt good. The bear sits on my nightstand and is a constant reminder of this safe person and place in my life. Hence, the bear!
Now the Bible. Another critical element to healing for me is bringing spirituality back into my life. Fairly quickly in my journey, it became apparent that the Catholic Church was not going to fulfill that need. Every time I attended Mass, I was re-traumatized and slid backwards in my healing. To many who are raised in devoutly Catholic families like I was, leaving the Catholic Church never even enters our minds as an option. Catholic is who we are but, if I wanted to truly heal, I needed to leave. Breaking away has been incredibly difficult but I am taking steps to do just that. Through my therapist, I was put in touch with a pastor at a non-denominational Christian church. Another safe person entered my life. This pastor is one of the most kind, wise men I have ever had the privilege of knowing.
The first time I met him, he came to my therapist’s office because he knew it was a safe place for me. The second time we met, he agreed to meet me at his Church. This was incredibly frightening step for me to take. As I approached the entrance to this very non-traditional church (think community center instead of gothic church), he was waiting outside with a cup of coffee and a Bible for me and that was the beginning of my journey back to God. Hence, the Bible.
So… The Bear and The Bible. The two greatest gifts I have ever received from two of the most compassionate men I have ever had the privilege of knowing. They have given me the priceless gift of hope for which I will always be grateful.